The institution of marriage lacks so much benefit for men that most men don’t want to get married. I, as a man, don’t have any strong desire to get married at the moment. From my experience, I can tell most men aren’t that happy in their marriages. In fact, I had one married man come to me and tell me straight out never to get married. I don’t necessarily agree with him, as I still believe marriage is a good institution with the right person. But I think he has a very strong and valid point.
Most good, quality men don’t like romantic relationships. By good, quality men, I mean a man who is responsible, self-sufficient, emotionally immature and stable, ambitious, kind and a committed partner that has good, strong character and morals. Those men only like what they can get out of a relationship. All good, quality men want three things from a woman: sex, children and female companionship. Marriage was supposed to be the institution to provide these three things. If a man just wants sex, he doesn’t need marriage. He could just get a prostitute or a friend with benefits. If a man just wants children, he doesn’t need marriage. He could just get a concubine. If a man just wants female companionship, again he doesn’t need marriage for that. He could just get a sugar baby. Thus, marriage ideally allows for a man to have all three things.
But the institution of marriage is broken. The laws favor women heavily and it is too risky for men to get married. If a man doesn’t want his wife anymore, divorcing her costs too much money. He would have to start over and delay retirement and work longer. Also, women initiate 70% of divorce, and the penalties for divorce are now removed so women can divorce for little to no reason at all. Before Ronald Reagan, as Governor of California, pushed for no fault divorce in the late 60s, getting divorced was hard and one had to go to Mexico to get a divorce done quickly. Men are still expected to earn good money to be eligible to marry a woman and yet a woman can walk away without any penalty on her part. She can even commit adultery and still get paid alimony, and courts favor the mother having custody over the children instead of the father. Thus, marriage is less and less appealing to good, quality men.
Marriage never made any sense to men. This is speaking from a societal perspective and not an individual perspective. As men age, they grow in value for society. They are more mature, earn more money and have more power and pull in society. Once a man reaches his 40s and 50s, he is in his “prime” and is attractive to many women. The reverse is true for women. As women age, they become less valuable for society. Their looks fade and their youthful energy fades. Marriage is more beneficial to women because it entices men to stay with the woman even if she ages or becomes disagreeable in her personality or attitude. Divorce is too powerful a penalty to endure, so men stay for that reason. So a woman can age, lose her looks and become less agreeable to men while the man is enticed to stay and endure it. This is why men since the beginning of human civilization have hated marriage unless it was for political or business reasons.
Monogamous is a new institution for men. Christianity pushed it, but before Christianity made it the norm, polygamy was normal. Concubinage was legal and men of means had many beautiful women at their disposal. Most men are driven by sexual desire for a woman and that sexual desire allows them to achieve impossible goals. For the most part, having a wife makes many men more tame. They have to be with the same woman and deal with the same routine tasks over and over and over again. He has to cut back on his goals and ambitions for the sake of his relationship with his wife, and if he neglects her, she would leave him. But a man doesn’t have that obligation with a concubine. Her purpose is only sex and companionship. A man can go out and be as ambitious as he can be without the strain of a relationship. And if the man got tired of her, he could leave her for another woman who could give him the sex and companionship he desired. Or he could have them both at the same time. For men with means, this was the norm in the ancient days and monogamy wasn’t.
Most good, quality men are fine being alone and only enter into a marriage out of societal obligation. These men own their own homes, have good jobs and businesses, have good morals and are very responsible in their life. In all honesty, they don’t need marriage and they don’t want marriage all that much. The only reason these men seek marriage is to have a family and help society grow. They see that having a family is a societal duty. If a man has a good family, then his children will be good citizens and add to society. And society will thrive and move forward because there are more children being born than people dying. And also, the man gets to have the children as his legacy to the world and allow his impact to be stamped on his beloved children. Moreover, having a good relationship with his wife is key because it allows the family to flourish. It is in the man’s incentive not to have any vices. He must love and care for his wife. He must not cheat on her and he must listen to her and respect her. How he treats his wife determines how his wife treats their children. And the man must be a good role model to his children because they look to him for leadership. And with this, a man must have a good, moral character in order to have a good family. Thus, good, quality men only seek marriage to fulfill their societal obligation and not for a relationship itself.
However, for the vast majority of men, marriage is an absolutely terrible idea. And the same is true for women, too. I have seen men marry a very beautiful, nice woman. Five years later, she has gained 120 pounds and she nags him everyday about nothing. And when he mentions that she is obese and rude, she chides him that he is superficial and he doesn’t love her for her. But the truth is, the man doesn’t love her because she isn’t lovable in that state. He didn’t marry that woman, he married a different woman and he now has buyer’s remorse.
But the same is true for women. I have seen good, quality women marry men who were ambitious and responsible men. Once their business fails or they lose their fortune, they get depressed and start drinking and stop working, leaving the burden to be put on her alone. The woman hates her husband and wants to leave him and he feels disrespected and angry at her for feeling that way. But the truth is, the man is a complete loser who doesn’t deserve respect. Failure happens in life, but his attitude of one of a loser because he gave up and doesn’t love and respect his wife enough to help her care for the family. He is very selfish and dishonorable to his wife and he deserves to be disrespected and shamed for that. So it goes both ways.
Overall, the institution of marriage must change. Marriage is already hard enough, so more incentives need to be given to men. Many women have enormous incentives, but there could be more added if needed. In order to save marriage, the laws need to change. For if not, the institution will be a relic for posterity, and that won’t be good for civilization.
Comments
2 responses to “Marriage From A Man’s Perspective”
This was a very excellent article!
My pleasure, Abdulai! I am glad you got some value from the article.