Conservatism is officially dead. It is heaped upon the corpses of other ideologies, quickened for cremation as it was famished and degraded in the concentration camps of the crude public. Indeed it fought a good fight, but it is to be no more. And it should not return until the resurrection where all ideas shall stand in the presence of a brilliant, virtuous mind and be made anew. We shall mourn its passing with broken hearts.
But what killed conservatism? That is the alluring, evasive mystery. Surely, there are some leads. Perhaps we can look at the libertarians, the economists who jealously presided over the edifice of Keynesianism and demolished it when it proved futile under the 1970s stagnation era. Or perhaps it was the neoconservatives who wanted to protect America’s foreign interest by enacting war all over the world, where every American boot that struck the foreign earth went to procure resources to help make multinational corporations, large banks and venture capitalists sate as a piggish kings eating a royal feast alone while the whole country watches tearfully with rumbling stomachs. Yes, we have our leads and we shall discover the truth of what happened.
But never let this insight shudder the conservative’s mind into doubt. This is blasphemy they say! How dare I ever say that libertarianism destroyed conservatism! How dare I ever say that the Neo-Conservatives, those brave men who selflessly devoted themselves to American security, can be so nefarious as to mercilessly plunge that dirty sword into conservatism and watch it bleed to death, the very sword it used to bleed the Iraqi or Afghan into unspeakable torture. But I say this as loud as the fierce and roaring thunder in a stormy, hazy sea. Conservatism is dead and the so-called conservative intellectuals killed it!
But again the question abounds. How in the world did they do this? How can such a matter ever be done? How was it possible? Oh, but it was done and it was quite easy. Let us examine the matter slowly and carefully to solve this mystery. These thinkers championed such causes as tax cuts for the rich, deregulation and smaller government. They arrogantly opined that government was the problem and its minimization was the solution. But their secret lover was those sly corporations who were the proof of capitalism’s magnificence. Slash a regulation here or there. Break a law here or there. It need not matter. What matters are maximizing profits, customer satisfaction and shareholder equity. Anything else is of no consequence. Any such protest shall be ignored or silenced by us. Proceed if you must, but you have been warned.
But the so-called conservatives adore these corporations as a mistress adores her irresponsible, criminal lover. Any accusation against the corporation is an accusation against them. So what if corporations break the law. So what if they push shareholders’ interests way before their employees’ wellbeing. An employee got fired? Well it must be that their work product was paltry. They received no training? Why must our precious corporation spend money to train such hapless peasants? Income equality is growing? No such thing. People are becoming poorer than their parents? You know, our children have lost the meaning of hard work. Democracy is imperiled by corporate money entering into politics? You must be a crazy socialist to say such a thing. One sees that America’s future is hopeless and rudderless? You have been spoiled rotten that you are unable to see the opportunities in front of you.
The evidence of the corporation’s malfeasance, greed and blatant corruption is all around the so-called conservative but he refuses to see it. To him, it would be a sin against the Holy Spirit to consider otherwise, for intellectual life would lack meaning if his ideology were faulty. He goes on to write vociferously against the noisome liberal who is guided by foolish ideas that ruin society. He holds on to those ideas as a child stubbornly and irrationally holds on to an axe or a knife to tear up the whole house. The liberal is a crazed fool, and their affinity for ideas drives them rather than logic, reasoning, and evidence. Indeed, the conservative has dutifully written heaps of books assailing the liberal and it has gotten him great sums of money from the masses’ unwise fealty.
And yet, he has not considered that what he is writing about is himself. He is the liberal! He is the irrational thinker who rejects evidence and resides in the world he constructed for himself. He is a nowhere man, for he is as blind as he can be, just sees what he wants to see, and it would be a miracle if he can see at all.
Again, the evidence is replete with corporations’ malevolence. Greed is the lifeblood of multinational corporations. Rule of law doesn’t exist in their world, for it is a nuisance that impedes their business interests. Employee grievances grate their ears. Unions terrify them. Workers’ autonomy is a mortal sin. And democracy is laughable in theory and annoying in practice. For them, there is no God but money and corporations are its prophet.
The people and the citizens are the essential ingredient for capitalism and democracy but they are stripped of their power and effectively made slaves. Their labor only fattens the corporation’s pockets. While corporate executives purchase homes and stock galore, regular citizens are shut out of the housing market and must find some other accommodation elsewhere. Students hoping to advance in the world must take student loans that cripple them into debt for the rest of their lives. Start up businesses are quickly bought out before they can compete with big corporations. Politicians are bought by corporate money and must pay obeisance to them with deregulation, lack of enforcing crucial laws and letting illegality flourish. Indeed the proof is before everyone’s eyes and they are not fools. Yet our dear so-called conservatives do not see this. I greatly pity them for their whole lives were wasted on ideas that proved to be false. Such a pity. Such a pity.
See your lover, you so-called conservative! See him! You have been uncovered! You say you are for the free market but only if it is free for the corporation to exploit. You say you are for democracy but only if your corporations give the final approval. You say you are for workers’ rights but only if it doesn’t offend shareholders’ sensitivity to unionization. You say you are for human rights and freedom unless such ideas lower the profit margins of your darling corporation. You don’t stand for anything other than seeing your lover’s tyrannical pillage of all that the people’s blood, sweat and tears built. Your books have provided them with fodder to do this. Your lectures, your speeches, your interviews. You have blood on your hands! For every American, Briton, French, German, Italian or Portuguese who cries aloud for lack of food or rent money or money for medicine can be thanks to your fierce devotion to your darling corporations. Yes, yes. We found you out. And now the whole world will know soon.
The mystery has been solved! I knew there was something fishy about them! For indeed, the so-called conservative is the pesky liberal who has caused so much bloody confusion. Well, liberalism has conquered conservatism as it currently controls the right and the left in our political era. Thus, we shall mourn aloud with sackcloth and ashes upon our heads. The world must hear what has been done! They must never figure! Those who are conservatives should fulfill the mission to be that brilliant, virtuous mind who can make those buried ideas anew. We now have a new mission and our hearts are gladdened by it. But let it be known that conservatism is dead. Yes, it is. And the liberals killed it. See the blood in their hands for they can never wash it off.
Leave a Reply